Why I Don’t Believe in the Ferber Method — and Why I Choose Gentle, Attachment-Based Sleep Learning

Sleep training is one of the most debated topics in parenting. Every parent wants their baby to sleep better, but not every approach aligns with every family’s values. The Ferber Method, often called “controlled crying” or “graduated extinction”, teaches babies to self-soothe by gradually extending the time before comforting them.

For some, it works. But for me, it never felt right. The idea of leaving my baby to cry—even for short intervals—conflicts with what I believe about connection, trust, and emotional safety. Instead, I follow gentle, attachment-based sleep learning, an approach built on empathy and reassurance rather than separation.

My Personal View

I could never identify my parenting style with the Ferber Method. The risk of causing detachment, anxiety, or stress to my child for my own benefit does not outweigh the fact that we might get more sleep. Instead, I follow an attachment-based parenting style and believe in gentle sleep learning.

The idea that Dr. Ferber suggests you should not pick up your child during a check-in, and that comfort should be brief and minimal, honestly, makes me sad. Infants need physical and emotional reassurance to feel safe and to learn new skills—whether it’s riding a bike, balancing on a beam, or learning to fall asleep.

Going through transitions can be extremely stressful for a child at any age, and I believe sleep confidence can’t be taught through disconnect. It’s nurtured through presence, comfort, and trust.

Why I Don’t Believe in Detachment-Based Sleep Training

Babies Learn Through Connection, Not Separation

Crying is how babies communicate. When we respond with comfort, they learn that the world is safe and their needs matter. Leaving a baby to cry may teach them to stop calling out—but not because they’ve learned calm. They’ve learned disconnection.

Detachment Doesn’t Build Confidence

The Ferber Method discourages picking up or showing much affection during check-ins. To me, that feels unnatural. Physical touch and warmth aren’t indulgences—they’re necessities. Babies build confidence through secure attachment, not through isolation.

Emotional Safety Matters as Much as Sleep

I understand the exhaustion of sleepless nights. But I believe emotional security is just as important as physical rest. Better sleep should never come at the cost of trust or comfort.

Why I Believe in Gentle, Attachment-Based Sleep Learning

Gentle sleep learning isn’t about “never letting your baby cry.” It’s about responding with empathy, offering comfort, and supporting your baby’s natural development toward independent sleep.

Connection Builds Security

When babies know we’ll respond, they relax and sleep more soundly. Consistency and closeness teach safety first, independence second.

Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation

Babies can’t calm themselves alone—they need our presence to learn how. Gentle methods focus on co-regulation, where your calmness helps your baby find theirs.

Trust Is the Foundation of Rest

When a child feels safe, sleep isn’t something to fight. It’s something they ease into naturally.

A Final Reflection

Parenting, for me, is about connection over compliance. The Ferber Method asks parents to step away; gentle sleep learning invites us to stay close. I don’t believe independence grows from moments of distress—it grows from feeling secure enough to explore and rest.

Yes, sleep deprivation is real. But I believe we can find balance without breaking trust. Every time we comfort our babies, we teach them: You are safe. You are loved. You can rest.

That’s why I don’t believe in detachment-based approaches—and why I’ll always choose connection, compassion, and gentle sleep learning.

√

Need More Support?

If any sleep learning (or any sleep struggle) has you feeling stuck, you don’t have to figure it out on your own. As a certified baby sleep coach (and a mom who’s lived through plenty of overtired nights myself), I can help you create gentle, realistic strategies that actually fit your baby and your family. You can book a 1:1 consult or SOS consult here, explore my self-paced courses, or check out my step-by-step sleep guides. Because every family deserves rest—and yes, mama, that includes you too. 💛

With love,
Selina Truax

Creator and Head Sleep Coach